Monday – Sometimes an All-Star Notion
I’m certainly not suggesting NFL players lace up their Bauers to take on the NHL stars, though the opportunity for Ray Lewis to try and kill some kid from Saskatchewan with his skate for snowing him could be interesting. Nor am I suggesting that NHL players throw on the pads, and try and convert a 3rd down against the NFL stars, mostly because NHLers are notorious for throwing like girls, and the Canadian players would be attempting rouges all afternoon. What I’m humbly suggesting is that the two leagues combine their all-star weekends into one massive, two-sport mega-event. And Drake could still perform, because if pro athletes have one thing in common it’s an affection for mediocre pop hip hop.
Tuesday – O to Copa: Home and the Local
Thomas Wolfe wrote that you can’t go home again. Ok, what he really wrote was “You can’t go back home to your family, back home to your childhood … back home to a young man’s dreams of glory and of fame … back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time – back home to the escapes of Time and Memory.” My difficulty with Wolfe, besides confusing him with that Wolfe who wears white suits and got famous for following Ken Kesey around, is that his declaration challenges you to prove him wrong. So we all try to go home again, and it never works out. We try to go back to our childhoods, to our youth, to the loves we’ve lost, and the mistakes we made.
Wednesday – A Muppet Class Warfare
I decided to do some research, and I was astonished to discover that Bolling and company were right, that The Muppets and their unseen puppeteers have been bending the minds of children for generations. Consider these ten examples after the jump of leftwing fanaticism from The Muppet Show, from encouraging bestiality, and transgender and homosexual tendencies and gay marriage, to the birth of the leftwing media, to crystal meth abuse, and a feminist anti-American agenda and beyond. These ten examples trace the downfall of western humanity, and we have no one but The Muppets and ourselves to blame.
Thursday – Lambchop – Gone Tomorrow
Friday – Ferris Bueller Sold Out
Sure, Ferris’ computer skills were able to hack into his high school’s IBMs, but the Educational Testing Service which administers the SATs would surely be beyond his capabilities. His singing was, at best, average, and having missed so many classes during high school my best guess is that he had to pull a few strings to get into DeVry. Though the king of his peers, when out in the adult world he is somewhat naïve, as seen in his trust in the parking attendants who take Cameron’s dad’s borrowed Ferrari for a thrill ride. An educated guess would put Ferris, now 43, out of work, occasionally singing in an 80s cover band whose biggest gig to date was opening for a Bon Jovi tribute group at the airport Ramada Inn.