A Muppet Class Warfare

In December, Fox Business Channel’s Eric Bolling accused The Muppets of carrying out an extreme leftwing agenda in their latest film The Muppets. The film, which stars Jason Segel, Amy Adams, and a variety of anthropomorphic puppets made from fleece, foam, and faux fur, features a villain named Tex Richman who plots to demolish The Muppets’ theatre in order to drill for oil. In Bolling’s interview with the conservative Media Research Center’s Dan Gainor, the two seemingly mentally unfit rightwing zealots proceeded to deride The Muppets as part of a larger leftwing Hollywood conspiracy to corrupt the children of America. The interview can be watched here, and includes many flashy graphics, high school graduates, and half-truths.

According to Bolling and Gainor, this “indoctrination” of America’s children includes such films as Cars 2 (but, apparently not Cars), There Will Be Blood and Syriana (whose kids are watching There Will be Blood and Syriana?) and the two draw a correlation between The Muppets and the Occupy movement (Captain Planet and Nickelodeon’s Big Green Help are, apparently, guilty as well). Bolling and Gainor agree (who’s on Fox to disagree?) that the left is definitely brainwashing children into believing oil is bad, despite the fact that according to Gainor oil is predominantly for “lighting hospitals” or powering ambulances.

Bolling expands the conversation to include Andrea Tantaros, who wonders why there are “starving” Muppets when a record number of Americans are on food stamps, and cites several other acronymed initiatives which apparently have the United States hunger free. (It should be noted that according to the US Bureau of the Census, as well as Feeding America, in 2010 approximately 16.4 million US children were poor, and 13 million children lived in households that experienced hunger or the risk of hunger. They obviously don’t get Fox News or its sister channels. Word’s out kids, and hunger is over.) Bolling and Tantaros then beat up some poor university professor doing her best to represent informed thought and reason. It’s all quite funny until you realize that they’re being serious. Kermit and Miss Piggy held a press conference a few days ago in order to quell the media storm, and it can be seen here.

I grew up on The Muppets. The Muppet Show was my favourite thing throughout my formative years, and perhaps if I was to approach the show from Fox’s fair and balanced perspective, I would come to realize that Jim Henson’s leftwing indoctrination machine has been brainwashing children for generations. It would explain why I enjoy reading, and counting to ten. Why I get off on sharing and being kind to others. Why I inexplicably break into song and dance routines. Why I’m an underemployed writer incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship or permanent address.

I decided to do some research, and I was astonished to discover that Bolling and company were right, that The Muppets and their unseen puppeteers have been bending the minds of children for generations. Consider these ten examples after the jump of leftwing fanaticism from The Muppet Show, from encouraging bestiality, and transgender and homosexual tendencies and gay marriage, to the birth of the leftwing media, to crystal meth abuse, and a feminist anti-American agenda and beyond. These ten examples trace the downfall of western humanity, and we have no one but The Muppets and ourselves to blame.

Encouraging Bestiality, and Transgender and Homosexual Tendencies

Kermit and Miss Piggy, Gonzo and Camilla the Chicken, Gonzo and Miss Piggy, Kermit and that lady from The Muppets Take Manhattan. What is Gonzo, anyway? Man, woman, sock? The Muppets agenda of encouraging a diversity of sexuality, expression, free love, as well as inter-species sexuality is abominable. From the early 70s on, Jim Henson’s pinko socialists puppets have been encouraging children to love each other, no matter their socio-economic, racial, or cultural backgrounds. This is obviously why gay marriage is legal in several states and in Canada, and why some boys dress like girls. And why Glee is on TV.

Mahna Mahna is the Devil

This seemingly innocuous ditty is nothing more than the left’s attempt to get your children to worship the devil and stray from Christian values. The Muppets obviously want your children to be bumbling illiterates who worship false idols. These devils in pink are not humming sweet nothings, but rather clever anagrams of sinful consideration. The chorus “Mahna Mahna Do doo be-do-do” is simply rearranged to tell your children: “A Baa Damn Hooded Don Homo.” That’s right, The Muppets want your kids to bow to a hooded gay devil in the form of a sheep named Don. Disgusting.

Statler & Waldorf Are the Origins of Bullying

Before those two curmudgeons in the balcony started spewing their evil from a safe distance, chubby, shy awkward children were left alone to play to their heart’s content in playgrounds the world over. Once Statler and Waldorf appeared in their clever Republican disguises, offering their facetious and sarcastic negativity, bullying overtook those playgrounds, and forced those poor children to one day overcome their childhoods to become successful, well-rounded adults.

The Swedish Chef & Childhood Obesity

Before The Swedish Chef all American children were thin and athletic. Look it up. There were no fat kids when Marty McFly went back to 1955, were there? Then, in 1975, The Swedish Chef made his debut (on an ABC pilot called The Muppet Show: Sex and Violence, no less) and from then on generations of children have been diabetic, Dorito eating, Coca-Cola chugging, heart attacks waiting to happen. Bort, bort, bort, indeed.

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem: A Gateway Drug

This band did more to corrupt children than the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and Black Sabbath combined. Consider their players: Janice, an homage to Janis Joplin, having easy sex and good times with the rest of the band. Sgt. Floyd Pepper, the original hipster and the reason that kids today want to drink Pabst and be poets. Animal, the drummer who did the drugs john Bonham wouldn’t touch with your central nervous system. Zoot, the stoner saxophone player whose name is an anagram for tooz, which rhymes with booze, and which spells trouble. Lips, an African-American late addition to the band telling your kids that segregation was bad, and that friends came in all colours, shapes, and sizes, and who spoke little obviously because he was high on the dope.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew & Beaker: Bad Chemists

So, what were Dr. Bunsen and Beaker making in their lab all those years? Crystal meth, that’s what, and selling it to all the other Muppets, and probably your children. In early unaired episodes, conveniently “missing” from The Muppets library, Beaker was a well-adjusted grad student named Richard Whitmire, who Bunsen used as a guinea pig. Tragically, Whitmore got hooked on the meth, and became what we now know a Beaker. That’s right kids, drop out of school, give up on your dream, use drugs. That’s what The Muppets want. Oh, sure, you love Breaking Bad, but at what cost? At what cost, I ask? Our children?

Muppet News Flash: The Origins of the Leftwing Media Bias

The Muppet News Flash debuted in the fall of 1976 with it’s news magazine stories “Socialism: The New Capitalism” and “Go Gay: Why to Attend a Liberal Arts College”. Within months, a template for the leftwing media bias that exists today had been established, children everywhere were watching unknowingly, and tehn twenty years later: Hello Rachel Maddow! Good thing Fox News came along to balance the playing field.

Pigs in Space: A Feminist & Anti-War Agenda

Pigs in Space was perhaps the most ambitious of The Muppet Show sketches. Not only did it celebrate the anti-war, socialist leanings of Stanley Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb through its character Dr. Strangepork, but it also had a heavy handed feminist agenda as at the end of most of the sketches, Miss Piggy would come to the rescue of the bumbling crew. Ya, I don’t think so Miss Piggy. Captain Link Hogthrob didn’t spend ten years in Space Pig School just to get upstaged by Uhura. Typical leftwing nonsense.

Sam the Eagle: A Puppet for Anti-Americanism

Poor Sam the Eagle. Just on set, trying to do his job as a network censor ensuring that the leftwing machine didn’t have sketches of Miss Piggy getting an abortion, or Kermit loving up on Fozzie while reciting Allen Ginsberg, and instead he served as a source of ridicule. His treatment week after week was akin to flag burning. He was punished for his rightwing stance by only getting cameo appearances in the Muppet films, reportedly earning only scale and not being invited to any of the cast parties.

The Guests Stars

Never before, and until the rise of The Daily Show, has a program provided such a pulpit for the left to spew its rhetoric. Gay activism, liberal arts, civil rights, green energy, equal classes, and whatever John Denver was into. Week after week, unsuspecting parents let this liberal platform into their homes, spawning a generation that thought for itself, expanded civil rights, loved one another openly and without shame, and appreciated musical theatre. As a people, we will never be the same.